Okay, so maybe the use of “murdering” and “houseplants” together in the title for this article will instantly skew your opinion that I’m some kind of crystal-gazing plant whisperer. Sorry about that. What I am writing about is how to keep your leafy friends from turning brown and crinkly with a minimum amount of fuss, so, here goes:
Choose Plants That Are Right For You And Your Home
It’s very tempting to buy a gigantic banana plant while cruising to the check-out at Ikea. They’re usually ridiculously cheap and mature in appearance – the perfect focal point for your living room, right? Not so fast: those plants were grown by a professional grower with all of the right soil amendments, perfect light and ventilation and precise humidity, all of which is unlikely to exist in your living room. Most home-store plant houseplant offerings are tropical in origin and this is because they don’t have to be toler
Big plants need space so that they’re not constantly being brushed or crushed as you squeeze by with four bags of groceries on the way to the kitchen, for instance. Little kids and pets can certainly knock the poor plant over, dislodging it from the soil and damaging carefully-grown roots. Most ficus, like “rubber” plants are trees and need lots of light not only to do well, but to thrive. And once they start thriving, better watch out as, again, they’re trees, for gosh sake, and they will do their best to puncture your ceiling, which, of course, they can’t do, but I think you get the point. Plants that are doing well will keep growing, so, they not only need to fit into your space now, but they need room to branch out, so to speak.
Speaking of light, do you have a sunny window available? No? Then you can just get some of those low-light plants, right? Well, low light outdoors, where these plants come from, is very different from low light inside. What low light means to someone who wants reasonable success in not anihilating a plant is bright-but-indirect sunlight, preferably morning sun. Low-light plants survive in the wild by growing in the shade of larger trees. They tend to be less decidious, that is, without hard bark or stiff leaves and strong sunlight will fry them right quick.
Humidity and the availability of water is also a factor. Summer can be hot and humid outside, but inside, it’s typically air-conditioned, with much of the natural moisture in the air removed. Heated air in winter is even dryer. Large plants need a larger volume of water, so carrying a large watering can across precious rugs or hardwood floors is a recipe for trouble and needs to be factored into your plant-buying decision. After all, if it’s a hassle to water the darn thing, it’ll only wind up at the curb in a couple of months after dying a tortured death at your hands, or rather, the lack of them.
Orchids are a great example of a plant that doesn’t belong in most people’s homes. They’re being marketed in just about every home store and they can be notoriously difficult to keep because they normally live a very picky existence in a rain forest. Rooted in another tree. Where there are exacting and super-moist conditions all year ’round. Unlike your house. To successfully keep an orchid, one must be prepared to mist the plant at least twice daily, or often enough that the plant stays moist more or less all the time. Also, the roots must be watered directly and fed slowly and constantly. Orchids used to be a favored hobby of urban-dwelling bachelor uncles, owing to the fact that they didn’t have much else to do. But, if you’re committed, they are gorgeous – the plants, that is. If not, you’ve just bought yourself another curb candidate.
So, instead of telling you what not to buy, why not just say what you should buy? Well, if you’re new to houseplants, start not small, not large, but medium. There are many medium-sized tropical varieties that will do very well in average conditions found in the typical home. Starting with a medium size of a particular variety increases the chances of success because it’s already established and natural selection has allowed it to survive thus far. Hard-skinned succulents, like the “Jade” plant, are relatively slow-growing and tolerate some over- and under-watering. Shiny-leafed plants are more sturdy and resilient to a range of dry and wet. both in watering and in humidity, like the rubber tree (ficus elastica.) Yes, I know I said rubber trees would wind up being gigantic, but they can be encouraged to be bushy and are often available potted this way, with multiple plants in a ten- or twelve-inch pot. If there is very strong light available, a cactus can be your best friend. They can tolerate a broad range of temperatures in the winter, just like out in the desert, as long as there isn’t a cold draft, and if you’re lucky enough to have the right light conditions, they will bloom beautifully.
Too Much Of A Good Thing Is Bad
So, maybe you’ve had houseplants come and go and can’t quite figure out why it is that your friend seems to have a green thumb and yours is most decidedly brown. Easy – your friend is using her thumb (or index finger or big toe) to check the plant’s moisture level – probably every day or every other day. Unfortunately, it’s not a best practice to simply water twice a week, as plants are unable to read clocks or calendars. All plants need water when they’re drying out, but waiting until they’re absolutely bone-dry, except for cactii, will dry out the fine root-hairs that carry water and nutrients from the soil into the plant and that will be that. Some plants, like poinsettia and many palms, need to be moist always, but not wet. Other plants, like the rubber tree mentioned earlier, need to have the top inch dry before watering. Sticking a finger in the soil will be a better indication of whether a plant needs to be watered than any kind of electronic gadget, and cheaper, too. In short, water on the plant’s schedule.
Feed The Need
Unlike pets, plants don’t need lots of food to survive. But they do use nutrients from the soil that help with photosynthesis, that is, the use of light by the plant to create food for itself and those nutrients need to be replenished regularly. The easiest way to feed a houseplant is with spike-shaped plant food that gets jammed into the soil and slowly dissolves with each watering. This is easier that mixing plant food in the watering pot and certainly easier than remembering to feed the plant every other watering or once a month or at whatever interval is right for that particular species. Did I add food last week? Hmm . . . On the other hand, powdered or liquid plant food added to the regular watering is a more diffuse and somewhat more direct way of getting food to the plant. The already-dissolved food (unlike the plant spike that has first to dissolve and then hopefully migrate to the root) will be taken up with the water. Don’t overdo it – too much food won’t simply make the plant Hulk-sized: it will burn the roots and probably kill the plant.
If you want to try the spikes, I would recommend Jobe’s, which are available everywhere and are inexpensive. Far less expensive is powdered plant food, like Miracle Gro, will go a very long way and is suitable for most house plants.
Groom For Improvement
Plants are the neatest non-human roommates you will ever have, but they can’t clean, or clean up after, themselves. From time to time, leaves will wither and die. Such leaves are unattractive if left on the plant, so trim them off close to the stem with a sharp scissor. Leaves that fall into the pot should be removed right away so that they don’t have a chance to rot and encourage mold growth on the soil. Speaking of the soil surface, it’s a good idea to set aside a dinner fork to gently rake the top 3-6mm (1/16-1/8″) of the soil and to also aerate the soil by poking about 12mm (about a half-inch) into the soil in several places around the plant. This help with drainage, air circulation and keeps the soil from becoming too compacted so that the water and nutrients travel to the plant rather than drain off to the sides of the pot.
It’s also a very good idea to give your plants a gentle shower at regular intervals. This keeps dust and grime from accumulating and choking the plant’s leaf pores. The entire plant can be put in a sink or shower and gently(!) rinsed with room-temperature water.
The Quick And The Dead
When bringing home a new plant, it’s super-important to isolate it from other plants and from curtains and wall fabrics for at least a month before allowing it into the fold. Nursery-grown plants are subject to all kinds of plant diseases, like fungus and pests and it’s better to have to treat or destroy a single plant than all of your plants. In decades of growing houseplants, I’ve had a few plants come in with scale or mealybugs or spider mites and only once was I able to successfully treat the plant, a plant which lives in my living room today. I credit quarantine with staving off disaster for the balance of my buds (get it? plants? buddys? buds? okay – forget it.)
Nevertheless, pests can turn up and it’s not impossible to deal with them, but it can be a giant hassle. Spider mites can be treated by quarantining the affected plant, de-potting it, wrapping the roots in tin foil or a plastic bag and then dipping or swishing the entire plant in a tub filled with room-temperature water with mild dishwashing soap, usually several times until the pests are gone, repotting in fresh, sterile soil and then, hoping for the best.
Avoidance is the best practice. Never use a Swiffer or feather duster to clean the leave of your plants – it’s far too easy to transfer insects or fungus between plants this way. Check your plants for anything that shouldn’t be there each time you water, both on the top of the leaf and on the underside and on the stems, especially where the stem joins the main part of the plants. Take note of mottled leaves or leaves with trails or holes in them. Using a magnifier can be helpful in seeing very small pests.
There are pesticides to use as a last resort, but they can be very hard to apply indoors and they are bad for pets and people. Your best bet will likely be to destroy the affected plant and to keep a weather eye on those that remain.
So, choose the right plant, water it appropriately, don’t let it starve, keep it spic n’ span and don’t let it get bugged and you’ll have a lovely set of room-softening, light-filtering natural randomness to enjoy while guests marvel at the green-ness of your hitching digit.
